No thoughts, head empty

 For me, there is a clear line between hobbying and playing games. Sometimes those activities blur up against each other, but they've always felt pretty distinct to me. Playing games requires presence of mind. I usually do a lot of prep work, writing lists, print reference sheets, building custom scenario terrain, packing things up to travel, watching battle reports and learning how to play new games. So when I show up on game day, even though I'm not a competitive player, I carry all of that work with me. I also want to be present for my opponent. They have made the time to play with me, and I want us both to have a great experience.

Hobbying on the other hand - the scraping, gluing, painting, bashing, and building of the toys we use to play - is a meditative experience for me. There are times when I'm more conscious about what I'm doing, and this is especially true if I'm working in little chunks throughout the week. I find breaking up my hobby time like that doesn't allow me to settle in. But sometimes... I actually get to sit down for a few hours, and it's in those experiences that I derive the most joy from my hobby.

I am probably experiencing a flow state of some kind, but to me it feels exactly the same as meditation and running. At first glance you may not think hobbying, meditation, and running share essential qualities - well, at least running probably seems out of place. I know a lot of people refer to their hobby time as a relaxing or meditative experience. But it's more than just relaxing. It's one of the few places I've been experienced where I can silence the thoughts in my mind. At least on a semi-regular basis (when I hike to the top of a mountain, I usually get this same feeling, but that requires I drive to the mountains and spend 4 or 5 hours climbing - not really something you can do after work).

I've also found over the last year or so, that I care less and less about the finished product. I often have fun bashing a cool model, but I don't actually care how it looks when it's done anymore. Sometimes I feel like painting every detail and highlighting and shading, and glazing in colour transitions. Other times I use two colours and blast them in until I feel content. The act of hobbying for me has become entirely 'feeling' driven. It's the process, not the product.

The other place in daily life where I can experience the same sense of oblivion and where I can let go and follow my feelings, is running. Nearly 100% of the time when I bring up running, I can see the eyes of the person I am talking to roll back into their skull as they feel a full-body wave of revulsion. Everybody hates running. Because it's hard. Until it's not. Running is an experience that asks a lot up front, and I never judge anyone who hits that wall and says "this is not for me". But on the other side of that wall is something special. In the same way that I can't hobby for five minutes and feel the flow state, I can't just run down the block and feel it. The longer I go, the more full the experience. And similar to the hobby, I'm driven by feeling, not by a desire for results. I have tried to run competitively (and have found a separate joy in that), but I feel the most joy when I'm moving at a comfortable pace for a long period of time, and my mind empties.

I don't think it's a coincidence that there are such strong parallels in the two activities that have come to define my adult life. There is obviously an experience here that I crave. And luckily for me, these activities have filled in for each other in times of need. Over the past year I've dealt with what seems like a never ending cascade of personal and family health concerns. Not being physically capable or mentally available to put the required effort into running, I've leaned much more heavily on the hobby. And despite the solitary nature of running and painting, both of these activities call out for community. So my year has been full of building and strengthening relationships, and finding oblivion in such a strange place as plastic toys.

As things in my life become tentatively more stable and I am able to rebuild physically to the point where I can pursue running as I once did, I feel like I may pull back from the hobby, at least a little bit. But it brings me great comfort to know that I have found a community and an activity that can bring peace and balance to my life when times are tough.

This post appears to have meandered a bit and become more personal in nature, but I can sum up my feelings like this: I have found meditative experiences to be an essential part of staying sane as an adult - running and hobbying work for me. I hope you find the same experience in your hobby, and I hope you can find it elsewhere in your life too.